Starting conversations about sensitive topics including race, gender, ability and political ideology can be difficult. Having a constructive conversation is even more complicated. Cognitive-behavioral psychologists Anatasia S. Kim and Alicia del Prado have developed a model to help explore the goals and values that underlie the desire to discuss difficult topics.
Their book, “It’s Time to Talk (and Listen)” provides guidance toward approaching difficult conversations with empathy and understanding for those who may have opposing views.
Why is the topic sensitive?
As a first step in their model, the authors invite the reader to identify the reasons why these types of conversations are difficult. After defining what makes the topic sensitive, it is important to ask oneself why one wants to have a dialogue with someone of an opposing view.
Perhaps he wants to improve his relationship with someone by overcoming his differences. It may be that someone has upset the person by saying something offensive, and so is hoping for clarification of the situation, relief, or a greater sense of calm. Perhaps you want to contribute to an ongoing debate or expand your own perspective on a particular issue.
Strong emotions sometimes prevent a constructive conversation from taking place. Acknowledging them and managing them helps to avoid impulsive outbursts and reactions.
Honesty and communication
The way something is said is just as important as what is said. The aim is to have an honest but sensitive and respectful conversation. The timing of the conversation is also important. It should not have been a long time since what happened.
The structure of the conversation, according to the authors, should follow a three-part model – “why”, “I”, “what I want”. The first part starts with why this particular conversation is initiated with this person. In the part where the person shares about themselves, experience and emotional response help understanding. An example is “I felt hurt by what I think I heard you say”. Finally, one should say what the purpose is and what one wants to achieve from this conversation. “I’d like to meet sometime to clear up any misunderstandings” invites the other person to offer solutions.
Listening is more complicated than one supposes. The authors advise one to focus on what the other person is saying rather than preparing one’s response while he/she is still talking. Careful listening will help to better understand the intent of the speaker.
Creating a habit
After a constructive conversation, a person should take some time to reflect, think about their conversation, learn from it, and discover where and how they can improve. One should not over-analyze or criticize oneself if the conversation did not go as expected. It is not the other person’s fault.
The barriers to constructive talks are hard to predict. But this should not stop people from having them. Engaging in constructive conversations takes practice, but becomes easier with time.
