Many people struggle with their tendency to work to meet the needs of others while neglecting their own needs. This happens even when people-pleasing comes at the expense of personal time. This is not medical terminology or a diagnosis, it is a way of dealing with the challenges that arise from the need to keep the peace or seek a sense of belonging.
Seeking balance
Everyone has the occasional tendency for people-pleasing. At certain times, the needs of one’s supervisor, partner, or parents come first. A certain level of pleasing is always necessary in a person’s life, otherwise we would live in a world of narcissists. The key is to find a balance.
Authentic needs
Those with a tendency for people-pleasing often don’t acknowledge their own feelings, agree to plans they don’t actually approve of, and hide their authentic needs and ambitions. This happens not to seek some advantage, but for fear of disappointing others.
Ways to cope
One way to deal with the tendency to people-please is the realization that actually disagreeing or sharing one’s true opinion will not lead to the great disappointment that one worries about, as long as it is presented in a respectful manner.
Guilt is inevitable when one begins to change one’s behavior and place one’s needs higher on one’s list of priorities. People who have been putting themselves first will not initially be pleased to see that a person is beginning to put a priority on themselves. This is because people find it convenient and easy, and because they are used to their needs being first. While this may bring irritation or frustration, it does not mean that these people will stop respecting the person if they see that they are also paying attention to themselves and making decisions for their own benefit.
Saying “no”
While for some people saying “no” can be stimulating and liberating, for others it can be frightening or uncomfortable. Yet the word “no” has clear benefits. Saying “no” can lead to greater mental health stability by helping with self-care.
It is also important to keep in mind that having a person give something up and choose other options that better meet their needs can also be an effective way to use the power of “no.” One’s own needs are important and decisions can directly affect one’s time and energy.
